I lay there, enjoying the quiet, and looking down at my two sweet boys who both needed me. I tried not to worry about the day, or how much more sleep I would get before getting pulled out of my slumber. Instead, I just breathed it in and enjoyed it. Liam, so little and so precious, full of trust. Tyler, still little, still needy, full of curiosity and a sense of independence with ideas all his own. Motherhood.
This week, in particular, I really tried hard to stay in the moment with them both. Liam was teething all week and often just wanted to be held. Snuggled. Reassured. He was sensitive and sweet all at the same time. He was probably unsure of what exactly was causing him discomfort, but aggrivated enough by it to lunge towards just about any object that appealed to his sense to chew on it.
Tyler, desperate to share his adventures, to make up stories, to make up games. Curious to know what every. single. word that he doesn't know means, exactly. Yet vulnerable and quietly craving extra attention in the form of hugs, reassurance, appreciation. Yes baby, you are special and loved so very much.
I can't put into words how sweet it is to see them interact together. They just love each other.
Then, as I'm getting dinner ready, Tyler comes rushing over to me, in tears. He was watching a show and had heard a "scary" noise from the house. I assured him he was okay and that there were no monsters at 4:30 in the afternoon, or ever. He was anxious, but better.
I can't put into words what I am feeling because the way I feel has a lot to do with things that I am not at liberty to discuss. This evening, I struggled with "Am I enough?" In a world where it's easy to get sucked into hearing the many ways we don't add up, I am reminded that they are right. I am imperfect, flawed, and in need of improvement. I get hurt feelings, I feel frustration, and sometimes I cook dinner that doesn't exactly taste like the photo looked. But, God knew that. He sees my heart and he knows my thoughts... yet he loves me just as I am.
I am reminded that sometimes I am like a teething baby. I feel the hurt, but I can't always pinpoint all the answers. I want to find a solution, but all I can do is wait it out. But, one day the tooth will emerge and it will be a relief.
Like my 4 year old, even when I am independent or scared, I always need God. As long as HE is reassuring me, giving me security, I know everything will work out to be fine. He will direct my path.